9 Kinds of People You Don’t Want As Neighbours in an Aircraft

When you are inside a pressurized metal container, flying 30,000 feet in the air you would ideally want a stress-free environment. If the already cramped leg-space and claustrophobia inducing loos weren’t enough, you have these nine gems to ruin your flight experience, if you happen to sit next to one.

1. The Spread

He’s a spread, but definitely not the smoothest one in the market. This one loves to spread out as large as possible and occupy as much area, even the part he hasn’t paid for, as he can. God be with you if you are sitting at the window and the middle seat is hosting a Spread.

2. The Newly-Married Honeymooning Couple

Talk about kebab mein haddi, only it’s your Kebab and they are the haddis. And it is exactly as annoying as the way it sounds. They will make you feel you are invading private space, even though your seat is legitimately yours. The tinkling of the wedding jewellery, which the bride has adorned in copious amounts, the coo-chi-cooing... you’ll be especially unfortunate if you spot some PDA in your peripheral vision.

3. The Human Snorlax

Yes, you’re absolutely allowed to sleep in the aircraft, but if your neighbour is a Snorlax, you’re bound to be annoyed. This one starts the nap time as soon as he seats himself and after that, his vocabulary consists of only one sound - *snore*. “Could you please move your head to the other side?” *snore*. “Please let me pass.” *snore*. “Would you like some coffee?” *snore* *snore* *snore*

4. The Returning College Stud

He’s been away from parental supervision for the first time for so long. He probably has piercings and grizzly manes of hair and beard. Speaks in a fake accent and is so full of himself that he can barely contain it. Poor you is flooded with stories of college debauchery and self-proclaimed heroism. And oh, did he mention his bike, the one that flies faster than this aircraft?

5. The Wannabe Model

She will always be surrounded by a cloud of perfumes and powders, lest the papparazi strike, you know. She will make you feel underdressed and the same time, relieved that you’re not the one caked in compact and chained in brands. And you’re in for some accented verbal abuse if you happen to accidentally touch her Gucci bag or Prada shoes or whatever.

6. The Frequent Loo User

He will use the loo about ten times in a two-hour flight. He is constantly excusing himself, climbing over you to get to the loo. And just when you think he has finally expunged his bladders and guts, he needs to go again. The washroom sign is forever occupied because of him. You start to wonder why he bothers coming back to his seat at all. Oh, of course, to annoy you!

7. The Luggage Fretter

The Loo User must have learned it from the master, for this one is forever checking the overhead luggage to ensure his hasn’t been stolen. Seriously? Luggage stolen in an aircraft? But no, he is paranoid enough for both of you. He also needs something in the likes of headphones, tablets, tissues, moisturizer and so on from his bag, every five minutes.

8. The Gossip Girls

It’s okay to gossip, we all do it, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Only, it is acceptable in closed quarters. You don’t want to find yourself privy to the scandalous lives of some aunty or the lecherous habits of the old man you’ll never have to meet (thankfully). These chatterboxes also don’t seem to have volume control and will continuously give you mini heart attacks with every peal of shrill laughter.

9. The Curious Aunty

The most annoying aircraft neighbour ever. You’re travelling alone; she’s travelling alone, voila! You’re now the best of friends. She will ask you questions with the authority of a visa interviewer. She might also want to stuff he ghar ka khana down your throat. And then ask for compliments on her cooking. Sorry auntieji, this one’s not for you.